Feb 21, 2010

I'm waiting on lunch, which today is tacos and nachos. I'm watching Still Black: A Portrait of Black Transmen in my living room. I wanted to watch it with friends last night, but Robin Williams was on and we had a case of the Phat Kid and my room needed to be cleaned. As I'm watching this film and transman after transman tells their story, I'm wondering about my own journey.

I've had to tell my story so many times that I've made it linear. I'm not going to go into here, but today is also my 11 months on T, week-wise. On the 26th, calendar-wise, it'll be 11 months. It's been a wild ride. Physically, I think there isn't much left for my medication to handle. As I sit here eating a shrimp taco, I realize that my body can only change if I want it to. If I stop shooting T, most things will return to normal. Having my ex visit me this weekend put a lot of things in perspective. She doesn't think I've "found" myself yet, and wishes I would. I'm thinking of moving to DC to work and leaving NYC for awhile. Moving to certain cities has been vetoed by my friends, but I think DC would be a nice change. Things are still expensive, but I'll be able to drive again and meet people who aren't always busy.

Thoughts are running away. Will write later.

Feb 14, 2010

Today has been pretty productive, if I may say. I've managed to unpack three boxes worth of stuff and turn my two windows into bookshelves. I've gone from a full-sized futon to a twin to allow space to move without tripping over things. All except one of my valentine's received their present (or some version of it), and I know my blackberry is being held hostage by the United States Post Office one train station away until Tuesday.

In honor of this greeting card holiday, I decided to comment on a dating book that I'm mailing to my friend. It's called "Meeting Your Half-Orange" by Amy Spencer and talks about ways to loop positive thinking into attracting the right mate. Now, those who know me know that positive energy is a BIG turn on for me. Who wants to be around a grumpy-pants all day?

So far, one of my favorite snippets from her book is "Become the happy [person] now who you want to be in your happy relationship later." Simple right? But a lot of people don't even know whether or not they are happy right now. For instance, I can't say I'm happy at this moment, but I'm content, grateful, and hopeful. I don't find my life particularly difficult to go through everyday. It's been a long time since I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. I have a pretty solid base of friends. My family loves me. Health-wise, I'm at the best that I could be right now. Of course, when I think of myself as being in any relationship at this point, I always worry if someone would actually be able to squeeze into what I have going on. I'm at school full-time, internship part-time, work part-time, and just picked up a service-learning opportunity that'll take up a few hours a week.

Do I have time for dating?

Maybe not, but one thing I do value in a relationship is there being a separation that happens through natural events. I tried dating folks I worked with, but found myself bored at the end of the day because we had nothing to discuss. I'm the person now who I want to attract. I don't really value the notion of the housewife who is indoors all day waiting for the husband to come home. I want someone who's out there pounding the pavement in their own way. Ultimately, what makes me happy is making other's happy. As far as today goes, I think I've accomplished that, and I look forward to seeing what this year could bring.

Oh Acting Class

One should never get a facial piercing if you already have diction problems. I pretty much drooled on myself today during an improv game (thankfully I was only 'it' once), and we played a lot of word games which made me have to enunciate. Lesson learned.

Acting class both scares and excites me. It's my first one ever despite being around theater all my life. Having to think on my toes and make up stories with a company requires so much focus that it's impossible to zone out and know what's going on at all times. I think I'm getting better at it, though. I found myself having to act out being "in the mother's womb" and having my peers guess in 30 seconds where I was. I legit swam like a sperm, curled into a fetal position, and gave birth to myself. It was a sight to be seen.

For the next class, we have to do an observation exercise of someone in the world and then imitate their behaviors in class. I happen to have a lot of unique friends with traits that are so specific to them. I'm beginning to see how much of our behavior is non-verbal and trying to see how I can use this in the game next week.

Also, boo for not being able to go anywhere on my week off from my internship. I might actually have to do homework instead. No bueno.

K

10 Months of Manliness

Today was the first time someone called me "she" at work.

I doubt it's the first time anyone has ever suspected me of being transgender. I was only out to one person. Most of the time, I bet they think I'm a gay male. Sometimes, I bet they think I was adopted because I don't even act like your typical black gay man.

Next week, I'll be watching this film about black transmen and I'm supposed to be on a panel to discuss it afterwards. I'm actually nervous because I identify more with my gender than my race, even though I've had the latter for longer. I'm not even sure if I'll ever "fit" the stereotype of anything to do with my race. Very early on, I was given a lot of clues that I was "cultured" and "educated", therefore could never be "ghetto". My dad was not a good role model as to how a Black Man should act, therefore I strive to be everything he is not.

That's not to say that I didn't grow up in a loving family. My family loves each other so much that at least one day per week we hate each other. I know my mother likes my father, but I'm not sure if she loves him. She told me once that she wishes they never married and were just best friends at the end. That really started my questioning of being married. I mean, what kid doesn't want the significant other and the white picket fence? I wanted to get married so badly that I made a plan for myself. I would wear a ring on my finger when I walked across that stage at my college graduation. I'd have one kid before graduate school, and have at least one kid in preschool by the time I'm getting my Master's Degree.

So, here I am, three months and one day away from graduation with my Master's. No wifey. No babies. Living in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment with an wrought-iron fence keeping out the crazies. Hopefully I'm no more than three months away from becoming a man in the eyes of the State of New York. I've been taking hormones for ten months and sometimes can't recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I'm down to the weight I had when I graduated from high school. I've finally been able to hold down a B+ average, and have gone from a PC to a Mac. I've become addicted to the Millionaire Matchmaker, Hair on Broadway, and snuggling. I've lived in six different apartments in the past six years. I've graduated to a crackberry and an iTouch, but I still find myself longing for someone to share my nights with.

I was away at a conference for four days and never slept alone. I've forgotten the comfort in sleeping with someone you've put trust in, whether new friend or old, touching or not. I spend most of my time in New York attached to my laptop and catching up with those that are too far away for me to talk to. I've realized that I haven't made myself a home here. It's as if I'm just here for school and then I'm going to pack up and take off to the South. I've become so jaded about New Yorkers that I'm sure I will need a year of therapy just to get over the hard times I've had.

Yet, I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that, like my mother, I'll find someone who can be my romantic best friend. I'm hopeful that I'll stop falling head over heels in love with people after one kiss. I'm hoping that I'll spread my eggs in many baskets, figuratively speaking. I'm hopeful that this year will be the year I finish a novel in one month. I'm hopeful that by the summer I'll be able to stop binding and can get a tan on my chest for the first time in five years. I'm hopeful that someone will take me for who I am and who I was meant to be. I'm hopeful that by December, I will have a job and enough money saved up to move out of my parents' house and travel the world without a care in the world.

We all need a little hope right now.

Why, Hello There

Sometimes people inspire you, and then you inspire yourself.